


as you sow so shall you reap

by elentiya



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2019-09-15 09:20:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16930596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elentiya/pseuds/elentiya
Summary: Peeta. Peeta was dead. Dead. Peeta. Katniss gave herself three breaths to stop crying, three more to stop shaking. Her deepest breath got her up on her feet and a look to the manufactured sky had her walking.She knew what lay ahead.***After, she had faced Cato, watched the dark amusement play across his features. She had let her quiver fall from her shoulder and had made her way to the lone ladder. Watched him mirror her movements.





	1. Chapter 1

Peeta. Peeta was dead. Dead. dead. dead. How could the gentlest of souls- the kindest of souls, leave? Where did they drift and sway and travel? Katniss did not understand- would never understand what took the person from the planet. It had happened with her father, and now, it had happened with Peeta. Pure, beautiful Peeta, who had afforded her a life when she had given all of it over. Peeta was dead- and she hadn’t got to say goodbye. Clove- this was Clove’s fault. She had waited for Katniss to come, like she knew she would and it was over after that. Katniss would have gone with Peeta were it not for Thresh… were it not for Rue. Rue who had saved her once more. But was it her fault? Was it fair to blame someone for doing what they could to survive? Truthfully though, Katniss was not one for rational thought- so, she would continue to hate Clove for the hysterical time being.

Katniss gave herself three breaths to stop crying. Three more to stop shaking. Her deepest breath got her up on her feet and a look to the manufactured sky had her walking. It was getting dark quickly now- she knew the end loomed and whatever outcome- Katniss knows she’ll be happy to escape. There’s three of them left- she knows that it’s Thresh and Cato and her. She’s creeping forward silently when she hears the howls. She knows already where she has to go.

She cuts through the forest, fleet-footed and she sees the gleam of the Cornucopia. She’s at its base when she sees Thresh crash through the woods. She’s climbing steadily, quickly when she notes the mutts at his heels- realises how close the ones at hers had gotten. She shoots it down promptly, hidden from Thresh who was at the other end, fighting for his own life. She felt strangely blank. She makes it to the top of the silver structure and ducks down low- she had not been seen yet. Thresh turns, deadly and fierce, slicing the snout of the mutt down to his feet. And it is in that moment that Cato barges through the bushes, face drawn, muscles straining. He’s brought his own baggage. Katniss watches him make a break for the Cornucopia and then he spots Thresh. He doubles back, stabbing the mutt once through the eye, incapacitates it and switches hands with his sword, rolling his neck and making his way forward to Thresh. 

The game-makers announcement flashes through her mind once more. A male and a female could win this year and if she couldn’t take Peeta, she would take Thresh. So she watches them battle and she waits. Arrow at the ready, she watches steel and wind. Figures blur and she readies herself for openings that never come. There’s too much movement- arms and legs, bodies never out of motion. And there comes the split second where she fires- at the exact moment that Cato gets Thresh at his gut. She watches his intestines spew- watches Cato back up, avoiding Thresh’s machete and she stops. The adrenaline seems to slow for only a second and she hears the wind roar in her ears. She had missed Cato’s heart- she watched with eyes of storm as the arrow bounced harmlessly off. Having whipped his head in her direction with narrowed eyes, she notes the blood drip from panting mouth and she’s not sure who will die first. She has one arrow left. She steadies herself. Prepares and lets it fly a single second before the cannon announces Thresh’s death. She watches as he warps his body and takes the hit to his shoulder rather than his left eye. Even as beaten down as he is, he looks entirely satisfied.

***

It had been agonising. They had been announced victors. A single hovercraft had appeared and a lone ladder had been released in the middle of their self-sanctioned invisible divide. He looks and she waits. Neither wants to make the first move. The blank pervades her senses. 

She decides she doesn’t care very much anymore. 

She lets her quiver fall but keeps a hand on her bow and steadily makes her way down the Cornucopia. She watches him step forward slowly- a test. She does not flinch. Will not flinch. She watches dark amusement play across his features- they’re both steadily making their way towards the ladder- and he inclines his head as if to insist she go first. She locks her jaw and does not give him the satisfaction of a response. She gets up on to the ladder and feels it automatically lock her to it- she tries not to give him a reason to realise this vulnerability. She watches him step forward, pays close attention to the hands that had snapped the neck of the boy from 3. She watches him step on to the ladder, feels his closeness and glares stonily ahead as they are pulled up, up, up. He’s looking at her and she won’t be intimidated so she turns her stormy eyes to his and glares. She wished to pour her anguish into his eyes and let it seep burn blind like battery acid. He doesn’t glare. He simply looks at her and that is perhaps more unnerving. The smouldering heat in her chest is the only thing that keeps her from tears.

She has no qualms about their instant separation. She steps away calmly and turns her back to him, she feels the adrenaline draining and knows the dizzy head won’t be going away anytime soon. Peeta was dead, and she felt that a piece of her had disappeared with the dulling of those beautiful blue eyes.

***

She came to at random hours. She found her hearing to be back in her injured ear and with it came the low argumentative voice of Haymitch. She found herself unable to concentrate on what was being said, but found comfort in its familiarity. She let it lull her into haunted sleep. Darkness was all pervading- she was being driven senseless.

***

This time, when she opens her eyes there’s no haze. There’s no needles sticking out of her. When she lifts her hands to her face they are no longer scar speckled- she doesn’t feel quite like herself.

She sits up. Slowly- so slowly and edges her feet off the bed, lets her toes reach for the cold floor. She worries she will be unsteady. The worry was unnecessary. She walks to the door and hears the familiar voice just past its reaches, so when she opens it and sees Haymitch at the end of the hallway she can’t help but launch herself into his arms.

“It’s alright sweetheart, it’s alright.” She sits back and looks him steadily in the eyes, “I couldn’t save him.” She knows there are other people in the room- people she missed and equally, those she refused to acknowledge. She doesn’t care, she has to make Haymitch understand.

Haymitch nods his head, “You did your best sweetheart. You did fantastic.” And then Effie joins in and hugs Katniss, followed by Cinna. Cinna’s tight hug draws out the heartache if only for a second. Then, she leans out of it, looks to the side, and right into the eyes of Cato, whom she suspected had never let his gaze stray- she was still the enemy after all.

His mentor stood. Katniss took one look at those pointed teeth, steeped in gold to recognise the deadly face of Enobaria. 

“Katniss Everdeen,” Snarling eyes look her up and down, “A pleasure to meet you.”

Katniss knows she shouldn’t but she looks at her with derision and angles her head just-so, “I’m sure.”

***

It seemed that everything was happening very quickly for Katniss Everdeen. She had been whipped away by Cinna to the prep team who had engulfed her quickly and all of them had eaten. They’d primped her to perfection and Cinna had put her in a black dress of mourning.  
His eyes had said everything she’d needed to hear.  
She wouldn’t cry, not there. 

In the elevator Haymitch had hugged her. Had told her the role to play. She was to be haunted, sad- she had only known that she could not save the one who lead to the death of her Star-Crossed love. Even though it was true- all of it down to the very last drop of unshed tear, it seemed that the President had to be reminded.

So she released Haymitch, got onto the underground platform and waited for it to lift her up. She knew she looked the sight. Eyes darkened by kohl, lips glossed, face harshened. Her dress was sleeveless, accentuating her lean muscles, and had a high neck, it brushed the ground as she stepped. Smoking at every sway.

First they brought out the prep teams, followed by the escorts. Effie was gracious in sharing her glory. Following them came Enobaria who had an enormous applause, but most surprising of all was the reaction to Haymitch, who had brought home a victor for the first time since his own victory.

At last, bright lights invade her gaze as soon as the platform is brought upwards and she looks across to Cato whose got this charming cocky insufferable look on his face, he’s smiling- dazzling the crowd and Katniss is mad, so, so mad because why does he act the way he does dammit!  
She doesn’t smile. She walks forward in solidarity, pushing past Cato, towards Caesar who greets her warmly, apologetically. The crowd had not missed her reaction to seeing the District 2 victor. The sympathy on Caesar’s face is helpful in delivering her excuse for trying to control the outcome of the games. She’s lead towards a small couch. It’s lush and entirely too small. She knows this is the drama the Capitol thrives for, so she sits stiffly, as close as she can to the couches edge. Cato sits beside her the picture of confidence, of lounging and insipid glory. She almost shudders when their thighs brush. 

She just had to sit here for three hours beside the guy that had killed Peeta. Beautiful, generous Peeta. She had to sit there beside him while on stage being filmed for compulsory viewing in the entire country. She promised herself that today she would not cry. Caesar speaks in sombre dulcet tones when addressing Katniss; as if his voice would be more harrowing than the journey she had to take to sit in front of him. He was reproachful, he didn’t want to make her cry but he was prompting a reaction. She clenched her jaw and set her stubborn gaze somewhere over his shoulder, thanking the Capitol for their generosity once more. Truthfully, their generosity had done just about enough and she was dreaming of the woods in District 12. Caesar’s demeanour changed when talking to Cato. They exchanged jokes and talked about his well deserved victory. Then, it’s time for the show.  
As the lights dim, Katniss feels herself tense even more, unprepared for what she’d have to face in three hours. She’d have to see it all again. She sets her steely gaze at the screen, jaw stiff. She would not cry now, not here. Katniss feels the steady heat of Cato beside her and does not let it provide her comfort- she might as well be alone up on this stage facing the horrible things that had happened over the several weeks of the games. 22 tributes had died. Previous victors had been proud, or stunned there really was no in-between- all those Career districts were vocal about their victory and she suspected Cato would be quite the same. She lets her anger be her anchor. 

It’s clear from the beginning what story will be told to the masses. The disproportionate amount of time focused on Peeta and Katniss and their romance’s impending doom is all consuming. Shots of the careers are always focused on Cato and his kills. The quick, the brutal, the ugly. Katniss is surprised that there appears to be no gloating air surrounding Cato. The audience revels- lives in the deaths. Katniss supposes the focus on this just highlights why she had firmly chosen against Cato, in wake of what he had caused. Peeta’s appearance on the screen makes Katniss tense up further. She stares ahead not wanting to miss a moment. He misled the Careers, staying awake throughout the entire night to ensure her safety. She watches on-screen Katniss conferring with Rue, sweet noble Rue. Watches herself chop down the tracker-jacker nest. She knew what would come next. Katniss feels the heavy weight on her shoulders consume her. She would not cry. Not here, not now. When it comes to Peeta fighting Cato, Katniss can’t breathe. She doesn’t dare look beside her- she knows the outcome won’t be pretty. She doesn’t look to Caesar’s probing gaze. She won’t glance towards the Capitolians. She keeps her gaze firmly on Peeta. When on-screen Cato fights Peeta for the first time, slicing his thigh, she feels the lapse, the momentary crumple of her face, the unshed tears, she understands that that moment was the beginning of the end. She reigns it in quickly enough but everyone had already noticed. Murmurs litter the crowd. The fire in her burns deep, she feels it growing, roaring. How could this be? How could she be sitting next to his murderer. She clenches her fists in her lap, half-moons drawing blood. She’s grateful for the skirt which she mostly conceals them in. The slight movement at her side, the subtle tilt of Cato’s head lets her know that he had noticed. Fantastic. The alliance between Katniss and Rue is given sufficient screen time. Slightly more than sufficient. She sees on the screen covering their current reactions, the slight raise of Cato’s eyebrow when they blow up the supplies. On-screen Katniss sings every note of the song. Numbness begins to take over her anger. Exhaustion sets in. She’s tired. Katniss is tired of this and really, it’s not even close to over. Katniss does not see the contemplative look that grows on Cato’s face throughout the song. She does not notice his slightly furrowed brow at her instantaneous kill of District 1. Katniss takes in what she can of Rue’s last moments, her heart hurting weeping pouring. 

Upon the announcement of two tributes of differing genders being allowed a shared victory- well. Katniss notices the absolute silence at her shout of Peeta’s name and the reactionary instant clap of hands over her mouth sends the crowd into mournful whispers. She keeps her jaw set stubborn, refusing to react. She can’t control the watering of her eyes but she reigns in the tears. She would not cry. Not here. Not now.

Whoever made up the compilation of this years games picks up tempo now. It has shots of Katniss attempting to nurture Peeta to full health, parrying the brutality of Cato. It suddenly slows when Katniss kisses him good-bye. The moment sweet. Lasting. The events of the Cornucopia had been some of the most action-fuelled footage of this years games. She watches as Clove takes her final breaths. Watches Thresh let her get away. Watches as she gets to Peeta too late- on-screen she hears the canon and she runs. Her haunting screams echo. Katniss fades out. She realises in a stunted-horror that the game had not ended. Not for her and Cato. By the focus on the finale- her attempt to take him out, their distrust and hatred, the lead up to the ladder. The game they play between themselves. This was planned. All of it had been planned. She knew it before and she knows it now. Her and Cato would never be anything more than puppets. 

She comes back when the anthem signals the end of this specific nightmare. She stands. She watches. She waits. President Snow comes out with two crowns. This, at least, confirms what Katniss already knows. She and Cato would be pushed together again and again- the outfall would be Capitol fodder. They were nothing. Not anymore. The crowns symbolise Snow’s strategy, and when he places it upon the crown of Katniss’ head, he does not seem angry- only amused. President Snow evaluates her. And then- then he moves to place the second crown onto Cato’s head.

Cheers fill the room. Caesar Flickerman finally bids them all good night. Tomorrow would be the final interview before the victory tour. She hoped for months of silence until then.

Quickly, before Katniss even gets the chance to realise it, the pair of them are taken to the president’s mansion for the Victory Banquet. It should be her and Peeta here, not- she takes a harrowing breath, stopping herself before she let her thoughts delve into dangerous territory. Not here. Not now. Face after face greets Katniss, who had extracted herself from her forced place at Cato’s side. He had been silent since the end of the interview. She smiles sparsely, if at all. Faces are uttering condolences and the world is blurring for the girl of smouldered flames. She thanks and she talks and she poses. She always catches glimpses of Cato out the corner of her eye, but she works to blank him out completely. When their paths do cross she just stares at him. He stares back and then they pass each-other none-too discreetly. Capitol citizens chitter in the face of dramatics. 

Tonight, Katniss does not deliver. At least. She had thought she hadn’t. But magazines are already spouting crap about lingering looks and enormous tension between the victors of the 74th Hunger Games. She stands at a long window when the sky starts to change colour with the earlier morning sunrise. She senses him before he speaks, letting go of the second of solitary silence she had had for the first time since the morning of the reaping.

“We’re leaving. Effie had us looking for you so we could go.”

She takes one last look at the sky before stifling a sigh and walking past him. She knows he’s following- albeit at a distance. She finds Effie quickly enough, she walks right up to her and waits but a second before Effie leads them all away. They divide at the elevator where Katniss is first out, not waiting for Haymitch or Effie or anyone. She makes her way to Peeta’s room, strips off her ridiculous clothes and cries in the shower. She falls into his bed dripping wet and it still smells like him and. She. Can’t. Breathe. Anymore. Her sobs turn into gasps into hyperventilation. She would never get him back. She had lost one of the best things in her life before she could truly grasp it and she felt that loss like a missing limb, sending phantom pains from nerve to imaginary nerve. She gives herself until Effie comes to get her for another, ‘big, big, big day!’ to block out the boy with the bread- at least, until she got home to District 12, where she would be free to mourn him without interruption.


	2. Chapter 2

The prep team gushes over their ‘girl,’ for hours. Katniss sits and she smiles, and she nods. She talks with them about clothes and makeup and the party. They don’t ask about anything else and she can appreciate that. By the time Cinna comes in however, the girl on fire is officially burnt out and just can’t for a while. Cinna understands. Instead, he makes her soft. Her lips nude, her dress a dark navy blue- gauzy, flowing. Her eyes dark, accentuating her storm-bright gaze. 

The interview is set up in the District 2 sitting room, When Katniss walks through the door she sees the District 2 team already sitting and Caesar Flickerman greets her warmly upon entrance.

“Katniss, how are you?” He seems genuinely sincere- his face is crinkled in all the right places and the concern in his eyes while practiced seems innocent enough, “As well as can be expected, I suppose.”

She doesn’t miss Cato’s raised eyebrow at the scratch in her voice, although she does what she can to ignore it.

“I asked for two chairs this time ‘round. More comfortable I hope.” Caesar Flickerman in his attempt to be sincere has given himself away, and Katniss represses an angry eye roll. She knew exactly what this would look like and so did he, obviously. All the crowds of the Capitol would see was her apparent ‘request’ to be seated as far away as possible, rendering her childish and her effort to remain unaffected was proven futile. 

She doesn’t say any of that of course, she gives an absent sort of smile and tries to be as sincere as possible when thanking Caesar.

He gives her a grin, “We’ll have a grand time, don’t you worry.”

Katniss nods, parts absentminded, parts nervous, “I’ll do my best- I’m not that great at talking about myself.”

He’s pulling that face again, the one where she knows he’s pitying her and nothing she says will make a difference, “Katniss, there is nothing you can say that will be wrong.”

She looks at him a moment, thinking about all the ways what he just said was wrong, wrong, wrong before nodding, “Thank-you Caesar, I’ll be talking to you soon.”

He gets whipped away quickly and Katniss makes her way beside Haymitch. They had discussed, over her brief meal, what sorts of questions were usually asked, and what she could expect. Haymitch had given her a look then, and he gave it to her again now; don’t mess this up kid.

Sooner rather than later, they’re ready for the victors and Katniss is seated closest to Caesar, and she hasn’t the time to dwell on why. Caesar Flickerman walks a tightrope. He is every part as teasing, as joking, at being generally helpful in the interview as he is being sympathetic, probing and choking up when he needs to. The efficiency in which he talks to Cato and then turns to Katniss without getting them to directly interact makes Katniss, the social recluse, more than a little envious. In Caesar’s presence, she doesn’t find herself bursting with hatred at the guy who sits beside her- this might be because they’re not actually talking, of course. Caesar asks about Peeta. Of course he does- he’s practically obligated too. And Katniss, weary and over it, answers. Her answers require strings of sentences she just doesn’t have the energy for- but she perseveres. 

“I probably only let myself feel it that- that moment in the tree. That’s when I realised what we could be. What we could have. Together.” Katniss feels the welling in her chest and stamps it down. She knows she can’t help her eyes from getting glassy however, she takes a deep breath, “He saved my life more than once, and it kills me that I couldn’t even do it a single time. Peeta deserved the world, and I was not strong enough to give it to him.” She knows by a glance at Haymitch that she’s said the right thing. She knows by the feeling in her heart that it’s true. “For that, I will never forgive myself.” She sets her mouth and looks at Caesar Flickerman, ignoring the eyes to her left that bore into the side of her head. She notes that she’s silenced perhaps the worlds wordiest man- and even though it’s for but a moment, she’s glad her message was delivered. She isn’t probed further in the interview.

The weight falls on Cato. Katniss listens when he’s asked about Clove. Both she and the entirety of the nation had heard the desperation in his voice when he ran to save her. Katniss hadn’t stayed for long, but no one could have missed his reaction. For the first time since the games, Cato does not look relaxed or amused or contemplative. Rather he looks serious and slightly harrowed. Katniss almost double-takes at his first human reaction. She didn’t think of herself as a particularly nasty person, but she’d let herself have this dark satisfaction.

“Well Caesar, I had known Clove for practically my whole life.” He pauses, thoughtful, “She was formidable and she fought her way so near to the end. It was a great loss, but necessary for the cause.” Katniss finds herself disappointed. She’d thought for a second she’d seen an actual reaction from him. His answer had turned out so entirely brain-washed that she had almost, almost felt sorry for him. 

***

Having grabbed the Mockingjay pin and one of the bars of soap Peeta had been so fond of, Katniss, Haymitch and Effie are lead to a limousine with tinted windows that is to be shared with the delightful Enobaria, the District 2 escort and the man of the hour himself. There’s a train waiting for them and goodbyes to Cinna and Portia are a quick affair.

Cinna looks her straight in the eye, no nonsense, “I’ll call you in a week. I’ll expect that you answer.”

Katniss gives him a sad sort of smile, because already he knows her better than perhaps some of the closest people in her life.

On the train carriage she sits herself down beside a window, where there is only one plush armchair- ensuring that she is entirely alone.

She listens to Enobaria and Haymitch talk - or rather - argue about the victory tour; the approaches particularly. She knows it won’t matter in the end. Everything would be decided by Snow.

“And what about a trip then?” Enobaria is the only one who doesn’t looked shocked at her own suggestion.

Katniss twists her body partially, “What trip?”

Enobaria rolls her eyes, “You are not an idiot, you already know what will be required of the two of you, I’m sure. I’m talking about a trip from one’s district to another. Having seen a ticket booked in one of your names will send the Capitol into overdrive and you’ll need to give them a show- you need to deliver.”

Cato is silent. Katniss rolls her shoulders, “I want nothing to do with anyone until the victory tour.”

Enobaria bares her teeth, losing her patience, “Listen up, Girl on Fire, the two…” she’s pointing now and Katniss kind of wants to grab that offensive finger and rip it right off, “…of you are stuck in this mess for life. They want drama you give them drama, you hearing me?”

Haymitch lets out a little snort, “Showing your true, caring colours now are we Enobaria?” He flicks some lint of his sweater, taking a sip from his drink, “Colour me surprised.”

She doesn’t even look at him when she speaks, “Fuck off 12, you know why I’m doing this, so play along or get lost.”

“Haymitch what does she mean? What do you mean?” Katniss addresses Enobaria directly now.

Enobaria sets her jaw. Haymitch looks at Katniss, “Everyone plays a part kid. Doesn’t mean they’re monsters. Victors look out for victors- it’s how it’s always been. After all, who else do you thinks gonna understand you more than someone whose been right there with you, right?”

She starts a moment at the realisation. Had Cato just been playing a part all this time? Since the cameras of the games had been taken off him- albeit briefly- he hadn’t been outwardly antagonistic, hadn’t tried to upset Katniss or get in her way at all really. In the end, he had just done what he had been honed to do. What everyone had done. He had survived against all odds and so had she. Could she really hate someone for that? She hated herself, sure, but- wasn’t she the hypocrite in this situation? Had she not watched as Thresh smashed Clove’s head in with a rock? Didn’t she kill Glimmer while she slept- didn’t she enact revenge for Rue by releasing that arrow into Marvel’s neck? Were she and Cato even really that different at all? She deliberated. While she hadn’t been as onto-ward as he with his strategies- in the end he was just doing what he had been taught, what those before him had lived for. 

She wonders for a second if she really hates him. She blinks and the second is over. Peeta still hovered at her heart. Katniss wan’t ready to be mature about this.

Cato looks like he wants to say something- like his tongue is pressing at his teeth but he’s holding it back, he takes a breath then opens his mouth. Haymitch puts up his hand, almost as if it’s in defence. “Kid, look, I know what you’re going to ask. Don’t. Just- just do what you can to keep the President happy and he won’t ask you back for an encore- you understanding me?”

Katniss looks at Cato closely, and somehow knows exactly who he’s thinking about. Of course he is. She was too. A single Finnick Odair of District 4 had won the 65th Hunger Games at the youngest age yet. Even at fourteen his looks had spoken lengths of his future appeal. Katniss had not realised that his escapades had not been of entirely his own volition until this moment.

She stamps down the hatred, “Okay. So there’s a trip.”

She looks Cato in the eyes and he’s looking and not letting go. “There’s a trip.” She takes a quick breath, “Well, considering my situation I don’t think it would be believable for me to go all the way to District 2 just to see him. That would work if we ran into each-other but not otherwise.” That’s all she plans on offering, and she’s surprised when Cato opens his mouth to attempt to be helpful.

“I could turn up at District 12 in a few weeks or so, ask to see her, she won’t let me in, I’ll sleep outside and then the next day she can let me in and I’ll stay a few more days before making my way home. That good enough?”

Katniss purses her lips, eyes squinting slightly, “It’ll be snowing in a few weeks. You’ll catch your death overnight.”

A playful sort of smile appears on his face, “Concerned?”

Whatever he was hinting at wasn’t good enough for Katniss, “Choke.”

His eyes shutter suddenly, the smiles gone, he turns to address the mentors, “They train us for worse. I’ll make through the night fine.”

Enobaria is giving Haymitch this look and Haymitch seems to nod. “Okay it’s sorted. Give each-other a bit of time apart and then Cato can turn up on Katniss’ doorstep all sad and tired- make sure you don’t shave a couple of days boy, don’t just act the part, look the part- then she can refuse to let you in and-“ He stops a second, “Katniss, get your sister involved. Could be good.”

Instantly Katniss is on guard, “Why would my sister need to have anything to do with this?”

Haymitch waves his hand around in an attempt to defuse her, “Everyone knows that’s your soft spot- you went into the gods-damned Hunger Games for her Katniss. That’s more than anyone else can say. Your sister starts showing Cato her soft spot- that’s your way in,” He snaps his fingers, “plus, it gets him a blanket and a warm meal for the night out in his death.”

Katniss heaves a sort of agitated sigh, “Doesn’t matter anyways, she’d do it from the good in her heart- she’s in and we wont even have to ask her about it.”

Haymitch laughs, “I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you’re related to her sweetheart.”

Katniss rolls her eyes, and turns back to the window in her armchair, closing her eyes and willing it all to be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and leaving kudos! is everyone in character enough (well, as in character they can be when its future kato lol)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the hunger games is dark and there’s a ton of self-hatred I’m going to have to explore, so consider this your only warning- don’t read further if you find darker themes to be a trigger. thank-you for your time and kudos, I really appreciate it! feedback spurs me
> 
> also, this ones a bit shorter, wanted to be in katniss' head so we know where she's at when it comes to future developments.....

When she wakes, it’s not quietly. She feels the scream tear from her throat, feels her lungs take in a ragged raw breath and she feels hands on her shoulders. Instantly she puts out a hand clawing at flesh and when she realises who it is she’s tempted not to stop.

She pulls her hands from his grip. He had caught them after she got a good drag in. She looks at him, the silence tense. Watches him watching her and she furrows her brow, shoulders tense, readying herself for an attack that deep down she knows won’t come. But oh god does she want it to come. She wants to fight. Wants to wrangle his neck with her hands and maybe after, wrangle her own. She looks him in the eye and thinks he knows. The mark down his face is bleeding a little and maybe in another life she would apologise.

He’s still too close to her. “Move back.”

He complies calmly, moving to leave the carriage, “You’re welcome.”

“There is nothing for me to thank you for.”

She knows hate. Knows its stifling weight; its insidious dark that poisons the mind, the heart, the soul. She knows she hates Cato because she hates herself. This suffocating she feels? This anger, this sadness- her mind is playing with her. She thinks it probably would have been better to have died in that cave next to Peeta. To have let the tracker jackers sting fester. To have let Cato and Marvel and Glimmer kill her. To have let Clove stab her. 

Katniss is glad that Rue and Peeta are dead. She just wishes she had died with them.

Katniss is glad she volunteered for Prim.

Objectively she knows that Haymitch is right. Other victors understand it all because they’ve been there before. In the case of Cato, she has no doubt he’s right along with her in his suffering. She thinks that maybe his might be worse. She at least can understand how what she did was wrong. His version of it all would leave him with all these emotions hidden behind a thick veneer of Capitolian brainwash. He’d feel the horror, sure, but did he understand why it was there? 

She’s glad he’s suffering, but she wonders if Peeta would be. 

-

When she wakes again, she’s disorientated but well-rested. The train has stopped. She’s home. She grabs her pin and walks to the doors, waiting, impatient. Haymitch gives her a sort of smile that spells it wouldn’t ever be the same and she wonders, briefly before dismissing it completely, if her sister would even be able to look her in the eye after all she’d done. 

She shouldn’t have doubted.

The door opens and lights flash but she doesn’t even notice because there, right in front of her, is her little duck. She runs forward and catches her sister mid-leap in a fierce hug. Prim is crying and Katniss is laughing and smiling and sobbing and heaving. Her heart is bleeding. It doesn’t seem real. Prim leans back, holds her shoulders tight, “Thank-you for keeping your promise.” Her voice but a whisper, its impact a pelting storm.

“Anything for you little duck.” She grins, stormy eyes bright, the first ray of happiness since Peeta, “Anything for you.”

She stands now, infinitely weepy, and turns to her mother, pulling her into a hug before anything is said.

Her mum puts a hand up to her cheek, eyes blue and lucid, “Katniss. Katniss, your father would be so proud. I am so, so proud.” 

From the corner of her vision, past the lights, she sees Madge. She stands beside her father and looks like she wants to approach, Katniss makes her way over, squeezing her families hands tightly. She walks up to the mayor, accepts his congratulations, shakes his hand and then stands in front of Madge.

“Thank-you for the pin Madge. You don’t know what it meant to me.” Katniss wills her sincerity forward, hoping it’s full impact reaches Madge. Madge gives her a secret sort of smile, “You never know what ends up helping, right?”

Katniss hugs her tightly before turning to the family that was her second home. She kneels and catches the Hawthorne siblings in her arms, Gale grins at her brilliantly and Katniss, here in a place surrounded by those she loves completely, imagines that everything would turn out okay. The moment, just like everything else, is bittersweet.

She waits for the hysteria to die down, everyones there, congratulating her, thanking her. Katniss finds herself looking for one face in the crowd. One she would never see again. She’s walking to her new home when she stops.  
“I’ll meet you guys there, I have somewhere I need to be.”

She notes the look of understanding in her mothers eyes, “Of course, we’ll see you at home.” Then she takes Prims hand, who’s bouncing all over the place and leads her away to the Victors Village.

Katniss makes her way towards the bakery. They could hate her, she realises. They could hate her and think this is all her fault but- she had to apologise. They could hate her but she needed to apologise. It was selfish, but she allowed herself this, in the wake of everything that had happened.

So she opens the bakery door, listens to the little bell jingle and watches as a man comes from the back, having heard a customer. Katniss’ breath stops. Peeta’s brother. They looked so much alike.

“Hi.” She takes a quick step forward, drawn to the man that looked so much like his brother. She sticks out her hand, “I’m Katniss.”

He looks shocked, “Katniss. Hello. I’m Rye.” He doesn’t seem uninviting, just a little confused, “It’s uh- it’s good to meet you.”

She takes a sharp breath, “Look, I’ve- uh- I’ve come to-“ Deep breath, “I’m sorry. Peeta died. I tried- I tried so hard-“ She stammering when he interrupts her, eyes filled with incredulity.

“Your fault? Katniss? Katniss, you saved his life, you- you tended to him best you could, risked life and limb. You tried to avenge him. Katniss.” He runs a hand down is face as if unwinding, he takes a step forward- unbalanced, wavering, “This is in no way your fault. I hope you realise it one day. Find peace Katniss.”

She looks at him, face transparent, eyes rueful, “I had thought you would all hate me. I hate me.”

Rye shakes his head, smiling- just barely, “Peeta always spoke highly of you. I can see why.”

Katniss’ face crinkles in the way it did before she was going to cry so she said her goodbyes quickly, promising to come back again.

For the bread.

 

***

She had requested a house near Haymitch and walking in, she finds her family settled and content. Prim is dragging her around from room to room. Finally they stop in front of a single door and Prim pulls it open, announcing it Katniss’. 

“It’s been quite the day little duck. I might turn in for the night, if that’s okay with you.” Prim’s answering smile warms Katniss’ hurting heart.

“Of course. Goodnight Katniss. I can’t describe how it feels- having you back.” And then Prim spins to the door, looks back once more and softly closes the door.

Katniss smiles back, but she’s already starting to feel the exhaustion taking hold, the happiness wearing off, “Night Prim.”

She knew that it had felt too good- the adrenaline had worn off. She had seen her family, had hugged them. Now she was alone in her head in the dark and wondering how she would live every last day of her life like this. 

Would- this feeling- would it ever go away?

It was like drinking hot acid, or oil; black, slick, pouring down her throat. She was suffocating, but she wasn’t dying. How long would it be like this? How long would her lungs taking air, her mind breathing fire be enough?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was on a holiday, bought a ton of graphic novels and now i'm back (if u have reccs hmu),,, hope u like this one! thank-you for all the kudos and i really appreciated your comments, constructive criticism is welcome!

It’s about 2am when Katniss’ eyes shoot open. Her heart, a steady drum; beating into oblivion. She is frighteningly aware of her pulse. Her back is sweat-slick and the second she shuts her eyes the nightmare is back with vicious intensity. She decides it’s time to get up. She takes a shower, letting the heat scold her. When she gets out, she’s a raw sort of red. Her reflection? Avoided with a hot-tempered fervidity- she didn’t need to see how poorly she was doing, the feeling in her heart was enough.

She makes her way down the hallway and peers her head into Prim’s room. Her sister sleeps soundly, the smallest hint of a smile on her face. Katniss finds a comfort in this, lets it invade her senses. 

Her call back to reality comes in the pounding of her heart. She was home, she was safe. She would forever be scared. She forgets her momentary bliss.

On hunter’s feet, she makes her way down the stairs, sitting herself at the kitchen table. There was a type of serenity that came in the dead of night. The moonlight poured in through the window in an eerie sort of way. Still, tranquil, yet all encompassing.

Katniss’ weeks pass like this. In the night, she would wake; sick, cold and hot all at once. She’d sit in the kitchen, hands wrapped around a mug, never drinking. When Prim came down she pushed her lips into a smile, placed a peck on her forehead and watched life go on around her. One day the phone rang. Katniss sat, startled and alone. She watched it ring and just when it stopped it started once again and she reached out a hand and picked it up to stop the grating noise.

“Hello?” Her voice is scratchy. She clears it, trying again, “Who is it?”  
It’s Cinna, as promised. She listens to him talk awhile, he checks on her without asking direct questions but it doesn’t feel deceitful to Katniss. When the phone call is coming to a close Cinna says, “Katniss?”

“Yes?” She takes in his tone, noting the degree of seriousness.

“You’re not doing very well. I bet there’s someone right there with you.”

She hisses a breath, “What?”

He can almost see him smile that soft way he does, “Think about it.”

Think about it she does. For days. It had been hard enough to sleep, hard enough to eat. To breathe. And now it pervaded her dreams and waking hours and she wondered.

She meets Gale in the woods. He wraps her up in a hug the moment she steps towards him.

“So, cousin,” Katniss gives him a little grin, “What’s the plan today?”

Gale rolls his eyes, nudging Katniss with an arm, “Need to sell the whole thing you know? My dashing good looks complicated things.”

Her smile falls a bit, “Right.”

Gale looks at her for a moment, “I’ve rigged some snares. We don’t need to hunt. Just talk.” In that moment, she was thankful that Gale knew her so well, holding a bow... shooting an arrow… she didn’t know how she’d do it this soon. On the other hand, she didn’t know how he would react to the current object of her thoughts.

They trek through the woods awhile. These were her woods. She breathes air for what feels like the first time.

When they stop for rest, Katniss pulls some cheese and rolls from her bag.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Catnip?”

She looks up at him, having aggressively spread cheese on a roll for twenty minutes.

She feels her mouth twist, and feels horrified that her eyes well with tears. She shuts them quickly and counts in her mind.

She’s barely to ten when she feels a light hand on her shoulder, “Katniss. You’re allowed to cry.”

She looks at him, feels her face and mind and heart give.

He holds her. She knows not how much time has passed, she only knows that the sun is at full beam when she is too exhausted to keep crying. 

“You’re thinking about something too hard. What is it?”

She lets Gale’s question fester in the silence, almost afraid to break it once more.

“Cinna thinks I should be talking to Cato.”

Gale is silent. She looks to him, notes the face of contemplation.

“Do you think talking to him would help?” It looks like he’s waging an internal battle.

“He killed Peeta.”

Gale nods. 

“And I killed Marvel. And Glimmer. And the girl from District four.”

Gale looks at her and she feels lifetimes pass, “Katniss. I think you and I both know who killed Peeta. Just like you and I both know who has killed innumerable tributes for the last 74 years.”

Katniss looks around quickly, making sure they are alone even though they are in the middle of the woods.

She sets her jaw, “I think you’re right.”  
-

She’s still thinking about it when Cinna calls again.

She interrupts him mid-word, “Have you talked to him?” 

To be honest, she was a little mad at Cinna. She understood that they would both be forced together in the near future but to actually initiate and face this… that was something different entirely.

Cinna’s pause is weighted. He knows what she’s asked, “I’ve talked to him. He sounds lonely.”

Katniss barks a laugh, “Good.”

Cinna’s response is sombre, “Oh Katniss, I don’t think you mean that.”

She starts to realise she doesn’t.

***

That night Katniss lies awake in bed. It’s nothing new by any means, but this time she feels sick with anticipation. With fear.

This time when she makes her way downstairs she sits in the chair beside the telephone and she looks at it. She picks it up, looks at it. Puts it down. 

She picks it up and dials before she can drive herself to lunacy.

She lets it ring once… twice… she’s about to hang up when the other line answers.

“Hello?” The voice is low. Almost gravelly. She had woken him up- of course she had woken him up- it was two in the morning.

She doesn’t speak, she isn’t sure what to say, the voice is hesitant, picking up on the silence, “Katniss?”

Her brows are drawn, she feels her mouth pinching before she sighs, “I’m not sure what to say.”

She hears him let out a little breath, “That makes two of us. How are you?”

She doesn’t respond and he lets out a little laugh, “Right, stupid question. Couldn’t sleep either, then?”

She’s a little dubious, “I thought I woke you- you weren’t sleeping?” She settles further in her chair, drawing her legs up and leaning her chin on her knees.

“No. I- uh-” He seems hesitant to give real information- something that could possibly make him vulnerable.

“Nightmares. Yeah. Me too.” She watches Buttercup lazily stroll through the room, as if she owned it. Katniss stretches out her fingers.

“Yeah?” His voice is almost devoid of emotion, but Katniss senses the vulnerability in it. She wonders if she’s dreaming. Buttercup draws near to her fingers, sniffing.

“Yeah.” There’s a silence before Cato hears Katniss hiss.

“Are you okay?” 

Katniss is grumbling, “Yeah, fine. Stupid cat.” He can hear her get up, hears water running, “Probably has a million and one diseases, I can see the headlines now- probably some stupid pun with my name-“ and then she’s muttering all annoyed and huffy-like that Cato can’t help it. He laughs. And laughs.

The muttering stops. “Do not laugh at my misery, 2.”

He can practically hear the scowl at this point and it just makes him laugh harder.

She’s muttering again, “This is what makes him lose it. Unbelievable.”

That sobers him up. The laughter fades out. Silence.  
“Sorry. I didn’t mean that. I tend to ruin things. It’s not personal.” She’s apologetic. Firm.

“Yeah. You do.” She’s a little hurt until he speaks again, “So do I. Let’s be lenient with it, yeah?”

She gives a soft little smile, shifting the phone to her right ear, “Yeah.”

The guilt hits her later that day, although it’s probably the lightest shes felt since the games. When she walks past the bakery on her daily route she has to duck into an alley and take deep breaths. She resolves not to call Cato again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry been slammed at uni, can't remember the last time i slept tbh. am heading towards exams so am not sure when i'll be back with more, probably when i'm procrastinating the next 3k essay ;) 
> 
> once again i thank you for your kudos and comments and kind words- have a gorgeous day and i hope you like this one. 
> 
> Was working on trying to lengthen my chapters because sometimes i feel like i'm way too dialogue focused, but i'll probably come back to edit this eventually haha

Katniss feels the days pass as if they are months or years. She doesn’t leave the house, Gale comes to visit. Haymitch is probably drinking in his own house. She assumes Cinna calls. She’s not sure. She doesn’t answer the phone. 

It rings. Katniss lets it. Eventually she wrenches it from its hook and throws it. She gets angry, she gets stormy, she gets silent. 

Katniss feels the weight pressing down on her ribs- as if she’s underwater and she’s drowning. In her dreams she’s drowning. In her dreams she wrenching Glimmer’s fingers off one by one. In her dreams she’s killing Marvel. In her dreams Rue’s dead, Peeta’s dead. In her dreams, she knows what it really is.

The thing that gets her. The thing that wrenches and pulls and scratches and throws. her. down?

This is her life. 

Katniss sits on a stool in her kitchen, wrapped with wool, hands around a cup of mint tea. Her mum squeezes her shoulder and goes on her way. Prim stops, picks up the phone, puts it in its place. Stops. Turns.

“Katniss, sometimes what helps us- it doesn’t help everyone. Sometimes it hurts others. But you have to be selfish Katniss.”

Katniss looks up, looks her sister in the eyes, “I don’t think so Prim.”

Prim’s fingers twist into her skirt, “I think Peeta would want you to be selfish. I think you’ve been sad and miserable and I don’t think you’ll ever be the same again, and that’s because you volunteered. That’s because you saved my life. You came out of that alive and I won’t watch you wither when you’ve been given another chance- not when you shouldn’t have had to fight for it in the first place. But you won Katniss, and you’re here. And you deserve it- you deserve to be happy.”

Katniss feels her mouth twist. “I killed those people Primrose. There’s nothing- not a single part of me that deserves forgiveness.”

“Katniss. If I had gone in there-“

“You wouldn’t have, not so long as I live-“

“I know that Katniss. But if it had been me, and I had killed those people, would you see me as you see yourself? If I had gone. I probably would have died, but I don’t doubt that I would have hurt someone, would have killed them. Would you see me as a monster?”

“Prim, no, but it’s not the same- you can’t even hunt-“

“I’d like to think I’d have a little bit of your fighting spirit when faced with someone trying to kill me Katniss.” And she sees it then, the fire in Prim. 

She softens her voice, to explain, to rationalise- her sister couldn’t understand, not this, “It’s not the same Prim, you-“.

“It’s exactly the same. You didn’t choose this. Volunteer or no, you didn’t choose this. Haymitch didn’t choose this, Peeta didn’t choose this. Even Cato-“ Prim has never looked this unravelled, this upset. “Katniss, it’s not a choice, this is not a life- should not be ours. But we’re living it, we’re breathing it. We don’t get many choices, but you fought for your life and it’s not your fault that you were stronger than the others. It’s not their fault either.”

The feeling that permeates the room, falling flying like snow in the winter, it begs the question.

Katniss wonders just who she has to blame. Katniss knows.

-

She’s showering when the phone rings. She’s in the shower when it stops. She feels momentary relief until she realises the reason.

Prim was home.

Katniss doesn’t exactly recall getting out of the shower, getting a towel, slipping down the stairs- she feels it later. 

She goes into the kitchen and sees Prim’s little feet swing swing swinging off the bench, the phone to her ear talking softly. She looks up, her eyes brightening, “She’s just come into the room, here you go. Yes, bye to you too Cato.”

Katniss can’t say she’s hissed at her sister before. First time for everything.

She also knows that her chat with her little duck earlier left her more pliable to being coerced.

“This is your own fault.” Her sister passes her the phone smiling primly.

She puts the phone to her ear, trying to move her dripping hair out of the way, “Cato. Hi.”

The voice at the other side of the line is cold, “Katniss. You’ve been ignoring me.”

She starts to blather, stops, “Yeah.”

She hears a bark of disbelief, “Can’t say I’ve had anyone be quite that honest with me.”

Katniss rolls her eyes, “Can’t say you’ve met anyone like me.”

The voice on the other line changes, becomes darker, suggestive, “Is that so?”

Katniss splutters, face burning. 

She hears him laugh before she senses the change in conversation, “Are we going to talk about it?”

Katniss sits at her stool, “Yes.”

She hears him shift the phone, “When you’re ready, yeah?”

She’s not sure how long she sits in silence, doesn’t know how long she lets it drag; “I went around to Peeta’s house.”

She hears the intake of breath, muted, almost silent.

“Cato. I blame myself. But the guilt-“

“I thought we were being honest Katniss.”

She takes a second, a breath, a moment to consider.  
“I think I blame us both. There’s someone I blame more. But above it all, what I feel about myself, right now and constantly,” she fiddles with the telephone cord, reeling it ‘round and ‘round, “Trust me Cato. It’s not you.”

“Katniss. I don’t- I don’t know how to say this, because I know it’s not going to mean anything to you for a long while. The way I figure it, he wouldn’t have lived a day in that arena with out you. If I hadn’t been so obsessed with getting you first, if he had come to us and didn’t have you as leverage- Katniss, I would have-“

Katniss is shaking her head, “Cato. Don’t say it.”

He lets out a rasping sound, “You know that doesn’t change it. I would have done it.”

Katniss feels her face start to screw up, starts to wonder if her hair is dripping down her forehead, down her face. “Cato.”

“I only realised after-“

“Cato. There are some things better discussed face to face.” She wonders if there’s enough weight in her voice, if there’s not enough. Any one could be listening she wants to tell him, be careful.

Cato gets it. Or she hopes he does. Otherwise she’s just shut him down really.

“I’ll be by sometime soon I think. Snow starts soon.”

“It appears Prim’s taken a liking to you. I guess you will be getting a blanket after all.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um so- I'm really grateful for all your comments and this came out probably a month before I anticipated it coming out so seriously thanks sm for spurring me on!

When Katniss wakes up in the morning she feels like doing something.

This is new. She’d been inside for most of her time back from the games, going out had been reserved for- well, actually, she hadn’t left the house in a week or so, not since seeing Gale. 

So she makes up her mind, puts on her hunting boots and rummages around the too-large house for a bag. In it she stuffs meats and cheeses, making notes to go buy some bread. As she makes her way through the District she notices the looks. She notices the people noticing her- people that wouldn’t otherwise look her way. She waves at a few of them, stops to talk and listen and nod. Katniss isn’t sure about this new life. People were never quite this talkative before. She looks to the bakery as she passes. She sees Rye at the counter. Her heart startles once more- they looked so similar. 

She makes her way in and watches his head shoot up and a gentle smile come over his features. 

Katniss goes up to the counter and tries to smile back, “Hi Rye.”

“Katniss. Hello, what brings you by?” She tries not to concentrate on his eyes, mirror to Peeta’s.

“I’d like to buy some bread. Four loaves should do it.”

He lets out a small laugh and starts bagging the bread, “Feeding an army, then?”

Katniss nods, “Going to go visit a few people.”

He puts her purchase on the counter and she grabs two before handing over the small pouch of money- she had devised it so that by the time he got the knot open on the bag she would be gone.

He looks up momentarily, having finally gotten the knot open, “This is too much,” he starts to hand her some money back but Katniss wrangles the final loaf into her arms and makes her way out of the store quickly, pretending as if she didn’t see or hear him coming after her.

“Katniss!” She spares Rye a look back and yells, “You have a lovely day too Rye, see you next time!” She tries to wave but almost loses a loaf to the quick getaway.

Katniss might be sweating by the time she makes it to the Hawthorne’s. Might be.

She drops off some food, talks with Hazelle and plays with Posy for a little while before going back on her way, stopping at the orphanage to drop off some supplies.

When she makes it to the Hob for some of Greasy Sae’s stew, she’s not surprised when her eyes fill with tears at the sight of her. Greasy Sae wraps her up in a hug, sits her down and refuses to let her pay for a thing.

Gale had told Katniss that Sae had been collecting funds around the Hob to sponsor her and Peeta. Katniss fiddles with her spoon, “Thank-you. For what you did. The sponsoring collection. I can’t tell you what it means.”

Sae gives her a wink, “No one had a better chance.”

Katniss pulls some fresh beef from her bag, having picked it up from the butcher on her way over, “Since you won’t let me pay for the soup.”

Greasy Sae throws her a stink eye, “Don’t make me argue girl, I’ll win. You know this is worth more than a bowl of soup.”

“A thank-you then,” from the look she gets, Katniss makes sure to add, “It won’t happen again.”

Sae humphs at her but goes about preparing the meat for the next bowl of soup.

“I’ll have some of that.” A new voice enters but Katniss doesn’t even have to turn her head to recognise him, “Darius.”

“Katniss Everdeen. Good to see you.” The cheeky grin she gets from Darius makes her roll her eyes. 

“Wish I could say the same, was rather hoping I wouldn’t bump into you today.” Katniss has a sip of her soup.

“Ice cold, Katniss.” His hand clenches close to his heart, “And here I was, ready to profess my undying love.”

“Didn’t think you had love to give.”

“Been reading up on my expeditions love? You need only ask.” He flutters his eyelashes at her ridiculously and her face cracks into a grin.

“It’s good to see you, Darius.”

“Missed me?” He gives her an over-exaggerated sultry glance.

Katniss lets out a heavy sigh, “Couldn’t say I did.”

As Katniss makes her way around the Hob, buying and trading- a new ribbon for Prim, herbs for her mother- Darius keeps her company, “Don’t you have a job to do?”

He looks surprised, as if he’d forgotten, “You’re right, I do.” He waves his good-bye and makes his way out of the Hob, leaving Katniss a little startled but heavily amused.

She had planned on visiting Madge today but her energy was feeling a little depleted, and if she was being honest she didn’t know how much more talking she could take.

-

When Katniss got home she knew she’d overdone it. As her time at the Hob had worn on she’d felt the darkness descend. Her smiling had started to hurt, her eyes were getting droopy and she had barely made it to her bed before collapsing. From there- well. Rational thought wasn’t a friend. She wasn’t quite tired, she wasn’t quite dead and yet she felt like she was right there beside it. She feels her sister come into her room. Figures school had finished. Didn’t have the energy to ask how it went. Felt worse.

She watches as the sky darkens and she thinks of her first night in the arena. She thinks of the fire and the screams of the girl that Glimmer killed. Katniss starts to wonder if that girl knew what she was doing better than the rest. At the time she had sat in silent judgement, but now she wonders.

Katniss can hear her mother in the kitchen when a knock resounds. She hears her mothers voice, hesitant. An indiscernible male voice. Her mothers response goes for a minute. She hears steps and then a hesitant single knock on her door.

Her mums head pops in, “Katniss. Rye Mellark is here, he’d like to see you.”

Katniss blinks at her, not fully comprehending. 

Her mother takes a step forward, “I told him you weren’t feeling well but he’s insisting. He’ll only stay a few minutes he said.”  
Katniss understands her mothers indecision, but had expected her to perhaps be more well-versed at dealing with something she herself had previously experienced. Katniss barely nods, not managing much else.

Her mother steps out of the room and gestures for Rye to go in. The door is left partially open and she listens to her mother make her way down the hall to afford them some privacy.

Rye’s mouth is in a firm line, “I get like this too.”

Katniss wants to talk to him but finds she just can’t. 

Rye sits at the chair near her bed, setting a bag beside him on the dresser.

“Some mornings I get up and don’t remember. Other times I get up and don’t believe it. Best person I knew. Strongest too. Sure he could wrestle, but I’ve never seen someone that… buoyant? Resilient? I know that’s not all it is for you. Peet’s death is hard, but you had to do things, things I don’t think I’d have the strength to. You’re just as strong as him, maybe more so. I know you blame yourself. You probably know who I blame too. But not once for one second did anyone think that was your fault. Everything you did-“ She notices that Rye’s shoulders tense, legs get restless, “You did it for your family. You did it for your friends.”

He takes a heavy breath and Katniss feels that weight- similar, heavy, stodgy- she feels it echoed in her soul.

“Katniss, you’re tired. You need to mourn, you need to rest. I know because I felt it this morning, I felt it yesterday, and the day before that. Peeta’s name was called and I wasn’t- I wasn’t like you. I wasn’t brave. I let Peet-“ she hears the sob rip out him, hears him stifle it, take a breath, calm down, “Don’t be afraid to come by more often. I think we’re both on the same page.”

He gets up, takes a step towards the door and stops, “I brought you cheese buns. You know why. Don’t tie a knot like that again Katniss Everdeen.”

She listens to him leave, the soft murmurs of her mother and sister, and when sleep descends on the house Katniss consumes four cheese buns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... so no cato but like- rye and darius amirite? was going to bring in madge but it kinda felt too forced so i'm hoping to bring her in a little later bc i want to build their friendship more as madge will be instrumental later on (and like i think katniss needs to talk about her emotions more so-)
> 
> thx for all the fic love


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow thankyou for ur response, honestly didn't think i'd get 10 readers on this fic bc i was like whose honestly as obsessed as i am with cato after all this time ? i'm glad i was wrong and thankyou for your thoughtful comments/responses.  
> i'll try to get another chapter out before i'm back at uni, i have a rough idea for this fic but a lot of it is just letting the characters do their thing tbh. hope u enjoy!

Katniss had thought she’d be fine in the morning. She’d had her cheese buns, she’d had her rest- she figured that was all she needed. Katniss was wrong.

The days pass and she is blank and dozing and sometimes it feels like she’s stuck. She isn’t sure where, or why. When she sleeps she sees dark. She sees colour. She sees pictures; a knife, her bow. She sees death. She doesn’t see blood. Smells it. Metallic, crisp. When she wakes she’s not sure of the distinction between dream and reality. She still did those things. She still is that person. 

Was she always awake? Was she always asleep?  
She realises on some level these questions are nonsensical- but they remain. They saturate her every hour. It spins- her head. It’s torture, it’s agony. That tracker jacker sting is always at the forefront of her mind and everything feels- false, like she hadn’t really lived it. Hadn’t really done those things. But she had. She knows she has. She feels the stain that mars her heart. 

If there’s one thing of which she is sure, it is that she is, will always be, a killer. Katniss’ mother comes in, her sister comes in. She is too tired. She does not ponder her inaction. She listens to them talk, and she wonders how she has become someone she hated. How had she become her mother? 

She knows objectively its not just Peeta. Really, how well did she know him? But really, she knew him in every way that mattered. And her thoughts circle in that way. She feels her heart and lungs grow heavy. She feels frustration at her ineptitude rise but then a new wave hits and she’s numb all over and she starts at square one.

She’s frustrated and she’s tired and sometimes she just wants to stop breathing. 

-

Buttercup hisses at the falling snow, making her way inside the house. She brushes up against Prim, yowling and purring, demanding attention. Satisfied, she makes her way up the steps, to the open door. A dark room. Her least favourite human, sitting unaware. Hand over the side of her bed.

She readies herself. She pounces. 

\- 

Katniss jumps in fright. Looks down, finds the cat attached to her arm, claws and teeth. 

“Get off me you stupid cat.” She moves further on the bed, pushing so far back that she falls with a yelp to the floor. The cat sits on the bed, content with its work.

For a moment Katniss is startled. Then, the anger comes full force- she opens her mouth, to yell as you do when attacked and removed from your bed when she realises that this cat- this stupid, dumb, flea-ridden ball of fur- had broken her out of this tumultuous cycle. She understands it’s temporary, but the rising anger and hysteria is enough. She feels.

She makes her way to the shower, scrubbing away at her hair and body. When she gets out, patting her hair dry, she sees Prim on the bed petting Buttercup. She looks up at Katniss.

“Good to see you up.”

Katniss sits on the bed beside her sister, as far from Buttercup as possible, “Good to be up. What have I missed?”

“You’ve had a few calls. Cato, Cinna, Madge. Gale came by and when I went to get some bread Rye asked how you were. Even Darius stopped me to check on you. Anyways, the snows falling. We should be expecting company any day now.”

Katniss is still for a moment, “I might go visit Madge today.”

Prim nods her head, fingers tickling behind Buttercup’s ear, “Sure. Do you mind taking some tonics with you for Mrs. Undersee?”

Katniss nods her head silently, starting to braid back her damp hair.

“Go sit in front of the fire so your hair dries, I’ll just get everything in order. Mum is delivering a baby.”

Katniss opens her mouth to ask why Prim hadn’t joined her when she realised she was the answer to her own question. “Sorry Prim. I’ll try to be better.”

Prim clasps Katniss’ hands in her own, “You need to be better. Just not for me. Take care of yourself first Katniss, the rest will come.”

She shakes her head, “That’s not how it has been working out for me little duck.”

Prim’s grip turns more forceful, “Do what you can. The rest can wait.”

Katniss tries to smile, tries to make her sister understand. She realises that she maybe doesn’t want her to understand. Doesn’t want to take this small hope away from her. So she nods, tilts her head, “I’ll try my best little duck. Love you.”

Prim leans forward and hugs her and Katniss is grateful for her, and would do anything for her, but Katniss feels alone in that moment. And she hates herself for it, but it’s not something she can control.

-

She raises the brass door knocker and thumps it thrice. She hears footsteps, and all at once Madge is at the door, smile brilliant.

“Katniss, come in out of the cold.” She wraps her in a hug and Katniss breathes in the subtle smell of Madge. None too over-powering. Gentle like a soft spring breeze. 

Katniss wipes her feet on the mat at the door, shaking off the snow and handing the basket to Madge. Madge utters a thank-you and leads Katniss down a hallway, gesturing for her to wait a moment while she opens a door to a darkened room and makes her way inside. 

Madge’s voice carries and Katniss does her best to blank out in that moment.

When Madge comes back out it is with an empty basket that she sets down on a table for when Katniss leaves.

She leads Katniss upstairs to her room and gestures to the bed so they can sit.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Madge gestures around the room, “figured we could talk more freely in here.”

Katniss nods, sitting herself gently down on the floor across from Madge.

They sit a few minutes and Katniss starts to remember why she didn’t really have friends in school. She starts to wonder why it doesn’t grate on her, sitting so silently across from Madge.

“How’s school been?”

Madge laughs, “Not the same.”

Katniss remembers with a pang that Peeta and Madge used to talk, and feels terrible at never having asked how she was doing before this.

“I’m sorry. I was selfish not to realise I wasn’t the only one that lost him.” Katniss turns her head away, focusing on the wallpaper, naming every flower she could.

Madge shakes her head, “I couldn’t blame you for something like that, don’t be silly. It’s weird though. We didn’t talk that much, but something will happen in class and I’ll turn my head to meet his eyes- he always looked so amused- and he just… he isn’t there anymore. And every time it shocks me, because every time, just for a moment, I forget.”

Katniss nods because she knows, “I forget and then it hurts all over again. I got used to having him around-“ her mouth stops working when she tries to say it, but ‘the arena’ is implied. “I got used to him watching my back. I got used to watching his.”

Madge has lost all pretence of propriety and flops to the ground from her seated position, “How do you deal with it?”

Katniss stares at the wall blankly.

Madge turns her head to face her, “I’m sorry, that was insensitive. This feeling of loss- it’s befuddling. I’m not sure how to handle it.”

Katniss nods, slowly she takes a heavy breath, “It’s overwhelming. Sometimes I forget to breathe. But it’s more than that-“ She feels her brow furrow, “Do you ever feel like you aren’t in your body, that you watch yourself move and sit and eat but that you aren’t quite there and that you aren’t quite right?”

Madge is silent and Katniss feels herself clamp up, “Never-mind I was being ridi-“.

“Yes.” Madge faces the ceiling again, “I think sometimes people forget about my mom. Her sister died in the games, so I know people don’t really forget so much as they commiserate for a second but go on with their lives. But in my home we don’t forget. Sometimes my mother comes out of her room, she sits with my dad and I, we eat. We smile. In the back of my mind I know that it won’t stay like that because it never does. I watch someone else that is me. Sit, eat, smile. I watch as my mother goes back into her room and I watch as another month goes by. It’s almost like-“ Madge stops as if looking for the words.

Katniss finds them, “It comes in waves. I wake up and sometimes I’m here and other times I’m still in that-“ She breathes, “that arena, and I get scared and my heart races and all of a sudden. It’s like I’m no longer myself. That I’ve flipped a switch. I’ll stay in bed or I’ll go outside and meet with Gale or gather plants for my mother. Sometimes I can’t quite recall it. I don’t quite-“

“Remember.” Katniss turns her gaze from the wall and finds startling clarity in Madge’s eyes.

“Yes Katniss,” Madge settles, “I know exactly what you mean.”

The sky turns darker and they talk. Katniss does not bring herself to mention the games again, Madge does not mention Peeta, or her mother. 

When Katniss finally gets up to leave she feels lighter than before, and when Madge gets up to see her off Katniss hugs her tight.  
-

She’s trudging up through the snow, focusing on her steps when she gets to her turn in the Victor’s Village. The night was dark, all traces of sun set having left, the moon but a sliver in the slate sky. 

Immediately, she looks up- having noticed a set of footsteps in the snow unlike her mother and Prim’s. 

She’s shocked at the gaze that meets her own. On her steps sits Cato.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)


	8. Chapter 8

Katniss stutters. She feels her foot fall short of its initial step, chokes on a breath. When her eyes meet Cato’s she watches him stand. Watches him wait.

In that moment, what she will do is not clear. The need she feels to envelop him in a hug is strong, he had after all become someone she talked to about things as inane as her day and as dark as her thoughts. On the other hand, seeing him makes her mind jump to the thought of a boy running towards her, sword in hand, Peeta between them. Katniss also knows what she has to do, so she hardens her face and walks past him with enough room to create a very physical distance. She notices he doesn’t move to get closer, watches him watch her. 

Katniss gets to the door, closing it behind her quickly. She stays there, eyes closed, hears a rustle and assumes that Cato is sitting once more. Upon opening her eyes she notices her sister and mother standing in the hall. Katniss makes her way up the stairs, despite her mothers soft utterance of her name.

When Katniss makes it to her room she lets out a heavy sigh. She knew he was coming, she hadn’t forgotten. But seeing him. It was different and confronting and she wasn’t sure how to act in person now that they were no longer hostile. Talking to him on the phone- it was safe. They didn’t see each other, she could even pass it off as a dream. This wasn’t something she could hide from. She couldn’t unplug the phone, couldn’t shut herself away because this was real and he was there.

Katniss peeks out her window. Cato sits there, gazing at the snowy blanket. He looks just as Haymitch had told him too. Unshaven, tired. Katniss wants to go right back down, bring him in from the cold. She hears the front door open and she edges away from the window. 

She knows the night will be long, she can hear the wind picking up. Can hear the snowstorm coming. If he had come the last night, the snow would have been present but bearable- she wasn’t sure just how frozen he'd be when she let him in the following morning- how he'd endure the coming storm.

She hears her sisters voice. She hears his voice in return. Katniss lies down in bed and she wills herself to sleep. She had a tendency to avoid her problems.

-

She’d been listening to the wind howl for a few hours, the sun had long gone down. It felt like she had seen Madge a week ago, not only hours prior. She thinks about Cato and she realises she doesn't have to worry about him- not if she doesn't follow whats expected. She was sick of doing what she’s supposed to.

She makes her way downstairs, a blanket in hand and approaches the door. She opens it and Cato is exactly where she left him, with a blanket, but shivering nonetheless.

“Come on.” She watches him tense, straighten up. He doesn’t exactly turn to look at her but he does react.

“What are you doing.” His voice is a rumble, although soft and almost lost in the howling wind. Her nose is already cold, she isn’t sure how he’s still willing to sit outside.

“You’ve suffered enough for them.”

Now Cato does turn. She notices how dark the circles under his eyes are first. She notices the rest of him after.

She gestures towards the door now, “You might be stupid enough to sit outside in a snow storm but no reporter would be. Come on.”

He gets up slowly. She walks inside not waiting for him but she hears the door close soon after.

“Tea?” She asks.

He nods, and she throws him the knit blanket, “You can go sit in front of the fire, I’ll bring you some tea and something to eat.”

She leaves before he can say anything. In the kitchen she busies herself and begins heating up some soup and boiling some water.  
She supposes she could have thought about it more, but she didn’t really want to. All she knew was that they’d probably be pawns of the Games for the rest of their lives. They would continue being pawns- next to a fire. Otherwise Cato would be letting a blizzard do what the other tributes couldn’t.

When she makes her way to the fire she expects to see Cato in the chair sitting stoic and watching the fire blankly. Instead he’s heaped in blankets, wildly rubbing his hands and practically has one leg in the fire. She almost laughs.

She sits down next to him handing him the bowl of soup and setting the tea down on the floor.

“Cold?”

“Fucking freezing.” He’s shovelling some soup into his mouth and it’s all very undignified and Katniss can’t help but snort, “It’s good to see you.”

The grin that meets her eyes sends a small shock through her, “Yeah, you too.”

His face goes solemn after a second, “But-“

Katniss raises a hand, “We can talk about it later.”

He nods once and then goes back to the soup.

He’s holding the spoon up to his mouth before he hesitates and looks up at her.  
“Where did you go?”

She feels her lips turn downward, “I was in my head. Couldn’t really leave it.”

He nods, “I was worried. Your sister said you were in bed but didn’t say why. Thought I’d come to check.”

Katniss shrugs, avoiding his eyes.

His hand touches her arm, and she looks down at it, then back up at him.

“You want to talk about it?”

Her brow furrows and she almost does tell him- the only thing stopping her is the shame of it all. 

He nods decisively, “Then I’ll talk. When I went home everyone around me was happy. My mum and my dad- proud. My brothers beaming, and excited for their own games. I thought I’d be happy too. I trained years, I chose that for myself when I volunteered. I killed those people, many of them with my bare hands. I’ll be putting something away, my mind will flash to them all.” She expects him to have looked away while talking. But really, why would she expect that from him? He spoke nothing but truths he had confronted and she could not say the same. Instead he looks at her with an intensity that fills her with a need to be there with him. To face what she had done. To realise who she was and move forward. Slightly. The mere thought of it was exhausting and she felt the stretch in her at all the emotion that threatened to break free.  
“Since the games ended my heart has felt torn in two. I’m exhausted. I’m not sure what to do, because what I did in that arena is all that I’m good for, and that all anyone expects from me.”

Katniss can’t stop herself, she reaches out, places a hand to his face. Feels the stubble, tries to soothe. “You know what I was thinking just now?”

Cato’s eyes flicker quickly but Katniss’ eyes don’t catch at what, “What were you thinking?”

“I admire you.”

She watches his face become closed off then. Not a flicker of the grin from earlier, none of the intensity of before. She wonders if she's overstepped, but she's past the point of dishonesty when it comes to Cato.

“I’m not lying. The reason I wouldn’t answer your calls is because I couldn’t leave my bed. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t talking, wasn’t even moving. My brain keeps shutting down and its because I’m tired of it all. But you-“ She feels her mouth quirk, slight and ironic, “You were right there, doing what I did and instead of letting it shut you down you’ve come here, you’re checking on me, talking about your feelings.”

Katniss feels herself hate what she’s become then, because the old Katniss kept everyone alive, the old Katniss would have hurt this new one, called her weak, “I’m not who I was. I never will be again. I’d like to slowly become her though, but I wish I was like you when doing it.”

Cato’s face isn’t emotionless anymore, “It’s not like I talk to everyone you know. It’s pretty much only you. And when I’m not talking to you I’m all contemplative and broody.”

Katniss laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys just letting you know that I am going off the movie ages for these characters, so Katniss is like 17 and Cato is like 18. Thank-you all again for your response, glad you're liking it and hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> Comments make my day so thank-you for being so nice to me <3
> 
> Edit: just fixing some really obvious typos that i apparently missed the first time and just some stupid wording- sorry!


	9. Chapter 9

Katniss wonders if shes ever felt this comfortable. She wonders if she has ever been this unsure in her life. She draws her knees up, wrenches them up to her chest, pressing tightly as if to stop blood flow word flow, “Sometimes I feel like I’m still there.  
“It feels shiny, sometimes, like the tracker jacker sting. I’m not sure if what I feel is real or if everything is fake and it hurts except that it doesn’t. The guilt comes first. It’s always- crushing,” deep breath. She looks up at him and is startled to see him looking at her so intensely.

Her gaze shuffles away for a second but returns with a surprising ferocity, “I know.”

She blinks; once, twice. She wonders if she feels lighter. Braver.

“I’ve been thinking about asking you for a while, but I think on some level I already know. I wanted to ask why you’re so different. Why you seem so changed. Why you obsessed over getting to me first, why you did it all. But I know don’t I? I’m not who I was before I volunteered. When I volunteered. When I spun in that dress. When I killed anyone. And none of those moments define me, although they certainly contribute to who I have become. I think you started to realise it somewhere in the middle. I feel like your first few kills, your first few days- that’s when it started to hit you. Then I blew up your supplies, made you mad, made you terrified. You forgot for a while. Losing Clove though, fighting Thresh. It glanced at you before that, but in those moments- it hit you full throttle, didn’t it?”

Cato is quiet and Katniss probes further, even though she shouldn’t, even though he wouldn’t. But she needs to know. Because she cares about him now and she doesn’t see an out.

“When I tried to kill you with that arrow,” Katniss feels her mouth twist, down, down, down, “What did it do to you?”

Cato tips his head back, leans back. He lies in front of her fire, she flops down across from him.

“I wished you had gone for the head shot. I was livid that you were trying to take my victory from me. I was happy- elated really, that I had done my District proud. I was angry that it was with you. I was relieved that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t feeling much of anything.”

Katniss laughs with a shake of her head, “And here I thought you were just a little smug.”

The crackle of fire comforts them in their silence. Katniss watches them a while. Thinks of flames in a forest. Thinks of running for her life. Of water. Of a chase by a brutish boy. Taunting, flickering flames. Fire with many faces and forms. Forgives.

“I’m sorry I tried to kill you.”

Cato doesn’t move, “I watched the tapes Katniss. I would have tried to kill me too.”

Katniss doesn’t let silence settle, doesn’t hesitate now- when it means so much if she does, “I wouldn’t kill this you. Wouldn’t even try.”

Cato raises an eyebrow, “You sure?”

“Fairly.”

“I’ll ask you tomorrow. See if you change your mind when Haymitch goes on a little tirade about letting me in too soon.”

“And stop his drinking for even a second?” Katniss snorts, “Unlikely.”

-

It sort of strikes Katniss that Cato is in her house an hour later.

She’s chewing thoughtfully on a bread roll, leaning back on a hand when she looks at the way the fire reflects onto Cato’s face and she stops. Oh.

She lets her eyes travel the rest of him then. His neck. Shoulders. Her eyes rove his arms. His hands. He had since warmed up and let the blankets pool at his waist. Katniss shakes her head once, trying to get back on track. When she goes to look at his face- When she looks to his face, she is startled to see his head titled. Eyebrows raised and eyes already looking at her- amusement clear.

“I-“ Katniss chokes on her bread roll, ears and face heating up instantly. She sees Cato bring a hand up to his mouth, as if to stifle a laugh. She gets up quickly, to escape but also to get some water so that she doesn’t die via bread roll. She honestly wants the ground to swallow her whole.

Katniss is drinking her water in the kitchen for maybe five minutes when a distinct clearing of the throat is heard from behind her. Katniss feels the water go down the wrong pipe. She tries to reign in the choking, turning swiftly and trying to appear calm. While choking. Again.

“Gods Katniss, you’re a mess.” Cato is laughing as he says this and Katniss feels her face turn to a scowl.

“Keep laughing 2. I’ll end you.”

His smile turns distinctly feline, “Will you now?” Katniss watches him take a step closer. She doesn’t step back. She feels her ears heat up again though.

Cato’s eyes flicker, she watches his smile twist slowly, as if second guessing himself, “It’s fine you know. I don’t mind you looking at me.”

Katniss thinks if it was anyone else, any other tone, she would have left the room. Instead she meets his gaze, “I’m glad. Didn’t plan on stopping anytime soon.”

A low whistle leaves Cato’s lips, “That’s brave, Sparky.”

Katniss smiles, slow and sweet, “I have my moments.”

Cato drags a hand down his face, eyes half lidded, “Got anymore of those bread rolls?”

Katniss lets him change the subject. The night goes on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little shorter than usual i'm sorry- idk i've been looking at this for a week or so and wasn't really changing or adding much so i guess this is how its going to be,,, a lil bonding hehe- theres one bit where i'm like is this simon says or am i losing it
> 
> your comments and view and kudos and all of that love- i really appreciate it thank-you! seriously gets me to keep writing and posting even when sometimes i'm a little unsure
> 
> hope you enjoyed, have a beautiful day
> 
> alsoooo, if you guys wanted my tumblr is azrielsass,,,, just putting that out there,,,
> 
> also also!!! hunger games prequel!!!!!!!!! i am so heckin excited


	10. Chapter 10

They fall asleep next to the fire and wake to the silent footsteps of Katniss’ family. Katniss is huddled under a blanket on the floor. As she blinks awake, she notices a weight on her leg. At first she thinks it’s Prim, next to her in bed; legs tangled. Then she realises she didn’t sleep on her bed. That Prim’s legs had never weighed her down, and that Cato was in fact, in her house.  
She sits up slightly and is surprised that Cato doesn’t wake up immediately. Now all she needs to do is remove her legs from his and casually shuffle over.

Her first movement startles him awake, blue grey eyes flashing to her own quickly in panic.  
She lowers her voice, almost as if she was trying to soothe a scared animal, “Hey.”

He seems to gather his bearings, although not instantly, “Hello.”

His eyes lower to their legs and he gently moves aside without a word.  
“Lets get some food. If you need the bathroom it’s down the hall.”

Cato nods and gets up, his neck a little pink.

“My first week back Prim couldn’t even really touch me without sending me into a panic. Sometimes I forget where I am. It happens.” She nods once and Cato nods back.

“Somehow you always know what to say.” Cato’s voice is quiet.

Katniss gives him a rueful smile, “Can’t say I’ve ever been accused of that before.” The smile vanishes and she shrugs, “It’s all mostly what I wish someone had told me.”

Cato moves his focus to his hands, “Then I guess that I’m glad we have each other.” 

-

Cato wants to see her District and while Katniss doesn’t think this is a great idea, she doesn’t think she can really tell him no. She avoids going anywhere near the Mellark Bakery, instead taking him by the Hob, which is where she usually goes most mornings anyways.  
She senses the looks, and she knows Cato does too. She takes him by Greasy Sae’s because she figures that Sae at least would say to their face what she was thinking.  
She realises that Darius is there when it’s too late to take Cato anywhere else.

“Katniss Everdeen, oh how I have missed your sweet, sweet face. My life has not been the same since I last saw your kind, not at all scowl of a smile.” Darius grins at her cheekily and then turns his gaze to Cato, “I just meet all the celebrities when I’m with you don’t I.”

Cato’s face is blank when Katniss turns to introduce him, “Stop making that face,” she whispers, “You’ll scare everyone.”

She watches him scoff in disbelief, “And you’re such a ray of sunshine?”

Katniss narrows her eyes and turns back to Darius. She flicks her eyes over her shoulder at Cato and decides to ignore them both. She nods her head at Sae who is watching the awkward exchange, “Hi, Sae. Can I have a bowl of stew.”

She sits and feels Darius and Cato sit on either side of her in turn. She almost wants to say something to break the ice but decides to let them both suffer.  
Sae hands her a bowl and fills up a second for Cato, smiling amusedly.  
“You’re complicating your own life unaided at this point, girly.”

Katniss looks up at Sae confused, “What?” 

“Nothing, nothing. I’ve got a ribbon for Prim. Wanted to thank her for taking such good care of my niece a few days back.”

Katniss nods slowly, “You know she’s happy to do it without the gift but I’ll bring it to her for you.” Sae hands over the hair ribbon, a soft pretty lilac.

“So, Katniss. Gonna introduce us?” She cuts her gaze over to Darius who sits patiently, smile bright and eyes expectant. She looks over to Cato who seems to be attempting to determine the type of meat within the stew through sight alone.

She turns her attention back to her meal, “No.”

“But you know how I so love to meet your friends. How is Gale doing?”

“Why don’t you ask him when you see him?”

“But I don’t see him nearly as often as you do Katniss.”

Katniss puts down her bowl and turns to face Darius, “I was just starting to like you Darius. Not anymore. Get to the point.”

Cato laughs beside her, “He’s trying to bother me.”

Katniss feels her brows furrow, almost without her control, “What?”

Cato shakes his head, stifling a smile, “Don’t worry about it Katniss. Eat your stew.”  
-

They’re trudging through the snow towards the forest, white lightly dusting the air. Cato had asked to see where she hunted, and while Katniss had no plans on taking Cato past the fence, she figured it wouldn’t hurt to show him. She glances at him briefly. Snow dusts his hair. His nose and cheeks are pink in the cold and his neck and mouth is bundled in the warmest scarf Katniss could find him. He looked adorable. 

Katniss stops, facing Cato abruptly and making him come to an awkward teetering stop, “Why would Darius asking me about Gale bother you?”

Cato meet her eyes, “If you’re not ready to know, I won’t be the one to tell you.” She liked that he faced her, didn’t look away. But she hated the words out of his mouth. As if she couldn’t handle whatever knowledge he held.

“I don’t appreciate condescension. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.” Katniss lifts her chin a little higher, crossing her arms in front of her.

He’s shaking his head, “I’m not trying to condescend but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I like where we are now. But if you want to know, I’ll tell you.” She hates the words out of his mouth a little less. Katniss adjusts her stance, waiting.

“Katniss. You have an effect on people. Darius likes you.” He hesitates, “I like you.”

Katniss rolls her eyes, waving a hand in-front of her, “Yes I know, what’s the point.”

Cato takes a step forward, “Let me repeat that. I like you. Darius was trying to make me jealous.”

Katniss has regrets. She wants to leave, she feels herself getting flustered. But then she looks at those eyes, watches Cato second guess himself and sucks it up. She steps closer to Cato, “I like you too.”

Cato smiles, “I know. Was just waiting for you to figure it out.”

-

He gently holds her hand in his on the walk up to Katniss’ home. She likes how warm his hand is, the calluses on his fingers, the confidence of his stride. When they finally make it to her house she makes her way to her room, leading him along. She stops abruptly when opening the door to her room, she feels Cato stop immediately beside her.

“What is it Katniss? What’s wrong?” Cato’s voice is concerned, his hands soothing on her arm.

She had smelt it first. The blood.  
She shakes her head, trying to speak. But she is wordless. She raises a hand and points to her bed. At the single white rose.

She watched Cato pick it up and throw it out the window silently. He lead her to another room, away from the lingering scent and sat beside her. “We don’t know what it means.” His voice is quiet.

Katniss shakes her head, hands running back and forth, back and forth over her legs.  
“That’s the point, isn’t it? He want us to go crazy figuring it out. It’s a warning; that’s obvious. But of what? Is he mad I let you in? Happy? Is it working, is he unhappy?”

Cato reaches out, squeezing her arm, “So he’s watching. We knew that much. He wanted to remind us. Okay. We’ve been reminded.”

Katniss wants to scream her throat raw, “He can’t hurt them Cato. I won’t survive that.”

“There’s nothing more we can do. From what I’ve seen, it’s working so far. You let me in a little earlier then planned in a blizzard. You’re not a monster, that much was reasonable. I’m going to guess we’re getting along too well, too fast. So we’ll take a step back. I’ll make my way to the station and catch a train home. I’ll storm out of here in a huff. I will will see you for the victory tour but no sooner than that. We won’t call, and I’ll see you for the first time again in a month. Be angry when we meet, and that’s all we can do, okay?”

Katniss nods, slow, steady- just making sure she stays calm, “Okay. How often do the trains come? I don’t want you waiting in the cold long.”

A wry grin takes over his face, “Don’t worry about me Katniss, I’ll be seeing you soon.”

Cato gets up. Cato leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!!! I hope you enjoy this one, and again I thank you for your kudos and comments!


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